My Bizarro World: A continued Transformation of Self

September 2, 2010

I walk to the right.  Not politically, but as I pass people along the street.  It is my natural inclination.  It takes thought on my part to move to the left of oncoming pedestrians.  I’ve driven on the left side of the road in other countries, but when driving, I was more concentrated.  Walking promotes reflection and when in such a meditative mood, I apparently follow my instincts, or rather my habitual instincts, developed over a lifetime in the Western World.  Not that moving to the right or left of people is that big of a deal, we all participate in the little awkward sidewalk dance once and a while, rather the issue is how deeply ingrained some of my instinctual habits are.  So deeply ingrained, in some instances, that the resulting wrestling match between my immediate assessment of or reaction to a given situation and how I need to adjust to best understand how those around me react is trying, as I then attempt to rectify how I should  react and act in the environment I am currently in.  In simpler terms, do I argue for the environment to fit what I have long believed and practiced, or do I change myself to the ways of this environment in the unknowable hope of gaining new perspectives that may yet—or not—enrich me and my work?

This is my personal Bizarro World: an inside-out kind of experience, featuring a constant re-orienting of my understanding of self, the world I inhabit and they way it inhabits me.

On a purely mundane level, after four months of residence:

Haven’t run my toothbrush under a faucet

Haven’t driven a car, or any vehicle for that matter

Haven’t cleaned my own apartment

Haven’t made my own food

Haven’t eaten in a fast food restaurant (okay, an AMERICAN one, anyway.  A couple of times with a local one)

Haven’t been ill

Haven’t discussed the new TV season

Haven’t SEEN TV

Haven’t had to prove my worth, but am engaged with as much, if not more, work than at home

Have a whole bevy of drivers that know me, know where I like to go

Been in more accidents in four months than I have in more than 20 years back home

Speak in Indian idioms

Relaxed

Had my luggage repaired

Gained an affinity for local tiffin (snacks)

Learned that Sri Lankans don’t drink tea like Indians

At more substantial levels, I have been the recipient of so much respect and kind words, that I have significantly felt the difference in makes on your daily outlook.  The civil daily conversation contrasts with the fiercely dramatic discussions that occasionally happen, but provide an interesting balance that makes the dramatic less combative and more understanding in the long run.  Though it still rankles me deep down, I am less concerned about being prepared and organized than I generally am, giving strong consideration to responding to the needs of the moment and not trying to manipulate every instant.  I find myself a little more free to experiment and revise on the spot, less because I trust myself, but more because there isn’t the pressure to make every moment perfect.  In general, there is a kind of broader view of experiences and events in which people recognize that perfection is not a goal so much as the engagement of the moment.  This last particularly fascinates me because of the extreme concern over examinations and scoring high on tests.  The pressure is enormous and the attitude often rolls over into the way other experiences are approached.  There is a kind of regimented attitude of getting it right, quickly.  But, as one gentleman pointed out after my students shared their accomplishments the other day, ‘They showed a lot of enthusiasm.’  In other words, the personal investment in the process of guided the students through really showed through their achievements.  Instead of worrying about the ‘correct,’ the students dived in to their presentations with a kind of abandon and joy that overshadowed any roughness or rawness in their presentations.  You could tell it meant something to the students and that felt good.  For all of us.  And people celebrated that, rather than judged the missing aspects.

That, I think, is something I value so much more here than at home and wish, hope, desire I can carry that back home with me at the end of my stay.  I want to overcome the need to impress, and celebrate the desire to care.

The other piece that is generally so wonderful is the relaxed attitude of interaction.  Although not uniform in its existence, many people don’t feel the need to display a kind of aloofness to those they believe are below them.  Even though people exist in different class levels, the need to verbally or obviously place someone in their class, or treat them as less, doesn’t seem so necessary here.

I end by saying I don’t think I could live here permanently, however.  I have the need to have a little more control over my life than I have here.  But, I am still contemplating that one.  The reduced control maybe because I DON’T live here and if I have a more ‘permanent’ attitude, then I might be building more control over my daily doings.  The truth, those, is that I will have a permanent place here–the here being carried within me, and hopefully carried within many whom I have had contact with.

In other words, I might be walking more down the middle from now on.  Not politically, of course.