Help! Help! I’m lost in my own attitude!
July 22, 2010
I am sure you’re aware of that wearisome adage: ‘Men don’t like to ask for directions.’ Whoever coined that tired phrase never visited India. Here, directions are sought constantly. Seek a ride from an auto rickshaw driver and he will take you as close as he knows, then ask for advice from whomever might be nearest, preferably another rickshaw driver or possibly a policeman directly traffic. Yes, that’s right, ask for directions right there in the midst of heavily, beeping traffic. This asking for directions is universal here. You can see people stopping along the road, sidewalk, path, etc. to inquire about locations all of the time. And help is offered always. Even if it means taking time to help fully explaining the circuitous routes that many directions require.
In this simple interchange I notice a focused attention, a kind of engagement that speaks of a desire to not only help, but to be engaged with another individual as well. There is a kind of ease of relating that makes it easy to ask those questions and seek that help. I see it in parents who come to school to drop off their children for a special event and those parents easily and seriously seek information from other students. I am not sure I am capturing this fully, but the conversation between one child’s parent and another child is as serious as two adults discussing business matters. Although children are often treated with a straightforward harshness intended to keep them in line, at the same time a conversation between an adult and child can seem almost equals. Granted, the results of certain conversations are such that the child must do as the adult orders; no questions asked. But the initial attitude or focus on the child by the adult doesn’t smack to me of talking down to the children. I have experienced this myself in having a conversation with teen-agers. That, alone, is quite a feat that I do not experience at home often. But then to be engaged in a serious conversation that feels as though we are peers is a little odd, but engaging at the same time.
Why this is so intriguing is the sense of engagement people have in conversation, in relating to others. In a land that is still debating the place of a long-lived strict caste system, in a nation where hierarchy in school, business, life, politics and etc. is well-respected and adhered to quite strongly, in a culture where women still have a firm place in the home as the caretakers of the family, I find the simple, and desired, engagement of serious, focused conversation engaging. And this extends to the person that is helping as well. It is almost as if people look forward to helping. Some do, actually, joining into a conversation that is going on between others to offer their own ideas or thoughts. As my mother and I sat in a restaurant trying to figure out what food was listed on the menu and what we would, or could, eat, the gentleman at the next table was watching. At first I was feeling like, ‘please don’t stare,’ but then he reached over and pointed out a couple of items that we might enjoy and would not be too spicy for us. With that simple gesture, he finished paying his bill and was off. This willingness to not only seek help, but seek those needing help, is fun to see in action…and benefit from.
Maybe the oddest place that I see some of this attitude is in the constant beeping and honking along the roadways. Sure there are those that want everyone to move at their pace or have no patience for traffic lights, but as I sit in far too many cars moving back and forth between schools, I perceive a kind of honking conversation as drivers communicate with others on the road, warning them ahead of time of this approaching vehicle from cycle to truck. If you are squeezing your brow in disbelief, consider this. Many vehicles have the words ‘Sound Horn’ painted on their back end. Why? To encourage the conversation, to promote warnings that help avoid fatal contact. Although the beeping can be annoying and quite stressful at times, many local folks note how they hardly notice it. You see pedestrians, mopeds and motorcycles (‘bikes’) float to the side as a faster vehicle approaches. There is little attitude shown in response to the beeping, merely a continued jockeying for position that keeps the vehicles moving safely along in their own crazy fashion. As one acquaintance here says, Tamiltes like to be dramatic, and these conversations have a bit of the dramatic in them. I suppose if someone were to invent a horn that was more polite, it might match some of the true attitudes behind the constant honking.
My own experiences at home are those of people creating a bubble around themselves, an imaginary personal space that shouldn’t be breeched. Maybe this is a skewed viewpoint on my part, but what does it portend when:
- One world promotes individual freedom, but makes fun of public affection between two men, when another world that is strict about public affection doesn’t bat an eye when men walk down the street holding hands
- One place prides itself on giving children plenty of time and space to be children, yet how often will you see a parent literally screaming at a child in public? While in a land where children carry heavy burdens of schoolwork and expectations to work around the home and land (especially girls) at a young age you never see a parent treating a child so harshly in public? (Although I will add that there can be very harsh punishment in some schools)
- A nation that markets itself as a land of the free suffers from racial bias, while in a nation that cultivated a strict caste system you find so many people that easily give of their time and money to help neighbors and household servants
Maybe I am too deeply ingrained in one nation and too new to another, but the constant graciousness, engagement in personal interaction and the simple joy of that seems to come of helping someone is fascinating to me. It’s why I always tell people that I keep returning to this ancient land because of the people.